Kelly Gibbons, artist and writer, about me

Tuesday, March 23, 2004

"When you know who you are;
when your mission is clear and you
burn with the inner fire of unbreakable will;
no cold can touch your heart;
no deluge can dampen your purpose.
You know that you are alive.”
~Chief Seattle

When I went back to the old job last week I left feeling bad, and I had no idea why. When I worked there I was miserable. I was overworked and underpaid (and typically my boss didn't see it that way) and I could dedicate this entire post to reasons I left there. I am glad I left, and there is no doubt in my mind that the decision I made to leave and do what I doing now was the right one.

Then why did I leave there feeling bad? It actually looked worse than when I was there. Every inch of wall space was covered with paper work, it was a chaotic mess, the phones were ringing, as usual half the staff was off sick, and there seemed to be either the same amount of people or less and at least twice the amount of work.

I have thought about this all week and it came to me this morning why I felt so bad. They went on without me. The work is still getting done without me. The place didn't fall apart because I left, and I was never called, not once, for them to ask me for help. For that matter, I wasn't asked to stay or come back.

To be fair though, I was adamant in my decision and I was told to call during the busiest season if I wanted work. I didn't. I did not and do not want to work there. There are logical reasons why I wasn't called, but still, it would have been nice.

I guess I felt unimportant. I know that isn't true and I know they had to do what they had to do to continue being the successful business they are. They were successful before I was there, and yes I was a contributor to that success while I was there, but they weren't going under because I left. That is a fact of life.

Seeing that all the same people were still there also hurt. These were the same people that told me on a daily basis how awful the place was and how much they wanted to quit. Some of these people were so negative about the place that they were the ones that convinced me that I had to get out of there. But, they are still there. This made me feel like I was the one that was wrong. No one has to tell me that this is because they are still afraid and not ready for what they deserve. I do know this, but when I left there I was not in a good place.

Another reason for my being upset when I left there was that I knew for certain that I was not going back to that kind of work. That made me feel more pressure to succeed at writing and art. I had the feeling that I had to do this and do it fast or I would have to go back there again (or somewhere very similar--we all know there are places like this everywhere). It didn't help that the only job offer I had in weeks was another old office job. It looked to me that even the universe was telling me to go back to the day job.

Well, I'm not going to give in. I am going to make this work and I am not going to feel pressured to get it done NOW. That only delays things. I am going to continue what I am doing and I am going to continue to move forward. I will keep learning and practicing and sending and trying. Eventually (and I know I have said this before, but I need to say it again for me) it will pay off. I will keep going and doing what I have to do until it does.

posted by Kelly @ 3/23/2004 08:06:00 AM

0 Comments: