Kelly Gibbons, artist and writer, about me

Thursday, April 22, 2004

Yesterday was not a good day. I went back to that bad place where I wanted to quit being a writer and an artist. I think I'm almost back from the dark side. I hate that it is so easy to go there when things get tough.

I still don't think I have ever fully gotten over the mind set of "What was I thinking? Who the hell do I think I am!"

It is easy to think you are an artist and a writer when you have work, but much harder when all you are doing is working and not seeing any results. Results meaning no one hires you. Yes, I create something (a story or a piece of art) and yes, I am happy with it, and yes I know that is something to be proud of, but when no one else sees its value I really begin to wonder.

When I first started writing and drawing, I never thought about how I was going to make a living doing this. I did it because I wanted to and it was fun. Worrying about the business part of this takes the fun out of it.

This reminds me of when I was a kid and had a pony. I loved to ride the pony. I was very content to sit on that pony and ride it on trails. I was never a very good rider (I didn't sit up straight or hold the reins right) but I didn't care. When you trail ride none of that matters. I could sit on the horse and not fall off and it was fun. That's when I loved to ride.

Then we started showing horses. I stopped loving to ride then. I remember that my brother and sister got to ride in the fun classes, the gaming classes. They got to do the can race (where barrels are set up with cans on top of them and you race around on the pony as fast as you can and knock the cans off), the boot race (where everyone takes their boots off and they are put in a pile at one end of the ring and everyone races down on the pony, jumps off and tries to find their boots. Then you put them on and re-mount and race back to the finish line), and all the other fun classes. I got to do Western Pleasure. That wasn't fun.

This is a class where you have to sit up straight, hold the reins right, and walk, trot, and canter the horse around the ring. You have to change leads when the judge says to. I remember sitting on my pony and every time I went around the ring the people with me would scream, "Sit up straight, your not holding the reins right," Do this, do that, your not doing it right.

I didn't win. I also waked out of that ring and said, "I will never, ever do that again. It wasn't fun." I rarely even rode a horse after that. The fun was gone.

Maybe it is the same thing with writing and art. I am so worried about selling it and doing it right and following all the rules that it just isn't fun any more. I really want to do things my way on my terms. Is that so wrong?

posted by Kelly @ 4/22/2004 06:54:00 AM

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