Kelly Gibbons, artist and writer, about me

Friday, July 15, 2005

I started out by writing I'M ANGRY on the page. I was in a rage because I had to clean up after everyone again. That's not what I was really angry about, and I knew I was taking it out on the wrong people. I locked myself in my room and began to write. This is the unedited version of what I wrote. I normally don't post things from my private journals here. They can be too revealing. Too scary. But, it is time for a change. A time to be more honest. It is time to push the comfort level and go further. I'm ready for change.

I'M ANGRY.

Why? What am I really angry about? Am I mad at the kids. NO.

I'm mad at myself. Why? Because I'm fat and I'm going NOWHERE!!!

I earn $7 dollars an hour in a job, that while fun, saps me of my energy. I'm tired of not being paid what I'm worth. I'm tired of not being able to do what I want.

I'm angry that I can't seem to grasp the secret of abundance. Oh, I believe it--but I can't seem to tap into it. Why? Why? WHY?

Why do I have such horrible feelings of, of ___ NOT EVER BEING or having enough?

I'm responsible for everyone else. If I screw up and lose the last little bit--then we all LOSE!

(Here's where it got a little weird. I felt like I was getting answers from someone else. I think I was inspired by Keri Smith's "a conversation in two parts". It has haunted me ever since I read it.)

Then you have doubts.

Yes, I have doubts. How do I get rid of them?

Believe.

How? How? How?
I'll believe for so long, then one little doubt creeps into my mind, and WHAM! I blew it. I won't get my return because of one little bitty doubt.

That's not how it works. Just believe again. Believe and it will happen. So, what is it that you really want?

Well, so much. Isn't that greedy?

No. Not at all. All of us, everyone of us, deserves and is entitled to everything. There is enough for everyone. If you get 1000, there's still 1,000,and much, much more (endless amounts) for everyone else. You getting what you want has no effect what so ever on someone else. None. Zero. They can still have theirs, too."

Really?

Absolutely. There is an infinite supply of everything.

Everything?

Yes. Money. Food. Wishes. Dreams. Love. Everything. So, what is it that you want? Don't be afraid. Don't worry. Don't doubt.
To be a well paid writer and artist. To be paid what I am worth, and not feel bad about it.
To have enough money to live comfortably. Not to worry about money.

Remember you don't need to worry right now.

To work from home.
To be able to travel.
To lose weight. To be healthy and fit. Gosh, when I look in the mirror I get so angry for letting myself get this way. Why do I overeat? Because, I am angry.

Don't beat yourself up. That only creates more of a problem. You will never get to where you want to be by hating yourself. It will only escalate the problem. You need to be kind, gentle and patient with yourself. You need to love yourself now. Focus on the good things. When you look in the mirror, focus on those beautiful blue eyes. Look inside them. There is a beautiful person in them. That's all you need to know.
But, it is so hard to focus on the positive when there is so much negative.

Shhh. Is it easy to look at the negative? Is it easy to hate yourself? Is it easy not having enough?
No, not at all.

Get passed this, and it will be easy. It is supposed to be easy. You know all is right when it is easy.

posted by Kelly @ 7/15/2005 06:50:00 AM

3 Comments:

At July 17, 2005 8:40 AM, AGK said…

Please kindly remove yourself from MY HEAD! (((HUGS))) I get it. I get you...
At July 18, 2005 5:31 PM, MP said…

It's good to write to get it all out. I saw that entry in Keri's blog too. But it's actually a journalling technique I've read about too--writing from your wiser or older self or whatever. It can be very helpful.
At July 21, 2005 10:47 AM, s said…

Oh Kelly, That could hve been me writing that! Same issues, same desires. How many of us are there out there and what can and are we going to do about it? Thanks for writing that.